a.k.a. Vampirella: The MovieDirected by: Jim Wynorski
There are bad movies and then there are BAD movies... I love bad movies, I live for crappy movies done on no money at all. Movies where entire cemeteries wobble when you walk by them, where you can see the strings holding up the rubber bats and where actors are being replaced in the middle of a movie while the character stays the same (yeah, I know... most of the stuff I brought up here are from Plan 9 from Outer Space, but that's one of those so called "Bad movies" that I love like nothing else). To me a bad movie can be really good, just as long as it's not a boring movie. Then it becomes a BAD movie... and who the hell wants to watch a boring BAD movie?
Apparently I did as I watched this 1996 direct-to-video (or should that maybe be “direct-to-TV” as it seems it was made for the cable movie channel Showtime) Vampirella effort... This is a flick I’ve been dying to watch since I read about it in an old issue of “Monster Scene” back in 1996. I’ve been a fan of the Vampirella comic for a long time and a movie version sounded like a great thing… don’t think Vampi’s skimpy clothes had anything to do with that (nooooooooo, of course not!). The article in “Monster Scene” brought up a lot of negative things about the movie, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to watch this anyway. But, back then it was hard to get a hold of movies like this here in Sweden – and as I didn’t have any means to import a copy from the UK or the US I never got around to watching it. Today of course everything gets released on DVD and lo and behold, Vampirella got the DVD treatment a couple of years ago with a director’s commentary and all…
I’m not one who cries over missed opportunities, but after having watched this version of the Vampirella story I really wish the 1976 film about our favorite Drakulonian that was planned by Hammer Films would have been made. But some things were never meant to be, I guess…
Ok, enough of that… Before I spew even more negativity over this flick I should maybe mention the story. The movie starts 3000 years ago on the planet Drakulon, a planet inhabited by vampires. But these are enlightened vampires who don’t feed on others (they don’t need to as there are rivers of blood flowing all over the planet). You can’t have an enlightened society like that without some bad apples and the baddest of them all is Vlad (played by Roger Daltrey of The Who). He’s on trial for breaking the Drakulon code which forbids the taking of life. For some reason his captors used some shoddy handcuffs (futuristic looking though) as he breaks free and kills the Drakulon Elders and flees in a spaceship heading for earth.
Vampirella teams up with an government run "Vampire Police" called "Operation Purge" and hooks up with the agent Adam van Helsing (yes, a member of that van Helsing family). They learn of Vlad's nefarious plans for earth (blocking out the sun and make a smorgasbord of the entire planet for him and his vampire pals) and rush to stop it... and that's pretty much all I care to say about the story of this flick.
I went into this with quite low expectations (due to all the negative reviews of the movie), so I shouldn't have been surprised at how shitty this one really was. But, it was worse than I expected... maybe because I like the comic it's based on and this flick has absolutely none of the charm and wit of the comic. And I hate to say it, but this movie has some of the worst acting I've seen in a long time... Talisa Soto (who plays the title character) feels so stiff you could use her to board up your windows when the next tornado hits town, and Roger Daltrey (who of course is no "real" actor) should be crowned the king of over acting. Every line that comes out of his mouth sounds like amateur hour at the local theater company or something... and don't get me started on that hideous song he performs as "Jamie Blood". The sets scream low budget on this one - papier mache walls and all that, the effects when Vampi's space ship gets in trouble looks worse than the effects in the original Star Trek TV series (and those were made 30 years before this flick) and the worst thing of all... they totally fucked up the Vampirella costume and gave her something that looks like a mix between a bikini and red plastic garbage bags. Shame on you to ruin the most important thing in a Vampi movie!
The stepdaughter of the main Elder, Ella (yep, add “Vampir” to her name and you know who it is), takes up the hunt to get her revenge. Due to a crappy space ship, she ends up crashing on Mars where she puts herself in suspended animation for the next 3000 years. She’s lucky as there’s a manned mission to Mars in the year 2005 and she hitches a ride back with the guys to earth where she’s looking for Vlad (now calling himself Jamie Blood – rock star). Due to some weird shit going on when Vlad and his pals entered the earth’s atmosphere they mutated into what vampires usually are in movies… not too keen on sunlight, being able to make new vampires with their blood and all that. Vampi was lucky though so she can wiggle around in her tiny little red “dress” during daylight hours still being a pure Drakulonian.
Vampirella teams up with an government run "Vampire Police" called "Operation Purge" and hooks up with the agent Adam van Helsing (yes, a member of that van Helsing family). They learn of Vlad's nefarious plans for earth (blocking out the sun and make a smorgasbord of the entire planet for him and his vampire pals) and rush to stop it... and that's pretty much all I care to say about the story of this flick.
I went into this with quite low expectations (due to all the negative reviews of the movie), so I shouldn't have been surprised at how shitty this one really was. But, it was worse than I expected... maybe because I like the comic it's based on and this flick has absolutely none of the charm and wit of the comic. And I hate to say it, but this movie has some of the worst acting I've seen in a long time... Talisa Soto (who plays the title character) feels so stiff you could use her to board up your windows when the next tornado hits town, and Roger Daltrey (who of course is no "real" actor) should be crowned the king of over acting. Every line that comes out of his mouth sounds like amateur hour at the local theater company or something... and don't get me started on that hideous song he performs as "Jamie Blood". The sets scream low budget on this one - papier mache walls and all that, the effects when Vampi's space ship gets in trouble looks worse than the effects in the original Star Trek TV series (and those were made 30 years before this flick) and the worst thing of all... they totally fucked up the Vampirella costume and gave her something that looks like a mix between a bikini and red plastic garbage bags. Shame on you to ruin the most important thing in a Vampi movie!
I really want to find something positive to say about this film, but it's really hard... I think the best thing I can say about it is that it's at least a better vampire movie than Twilight (don't ask me why I know that), but that really doesn't say a lot, does it?
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