The Fearless Vampire Killers (1967)

a.k.a. The Fearless Vampire Killers, or: Pardon Me, but Your Teeth are in My Neck / Dance of the Vampires
Directed by: Roman Polanski

Horror comedies can be tricky as usually they're either one or the other, if the movie is scary the so called comedy is often not that fun at all. And if they're funny they're pretty often not scary for one bit... The Fearless Vampire Killers is quite light on the horror, to be honest, but it IS damn funny. Maybe I'm a simpleton, but even the silly slapstick stuff made me laugh out loud at times (I had to rewatch the scene where the Hunchback, who works for Count von Krolock, kicks Polanski's character in the ass just to get his attention over and over as it's just such a stupid and hilarious moment in the movie... but, as I said, I might be a total simpleton for liking that kind of stuff). The two vampire killers of the title makes me think of Laurel and Hardy at times, so that'll give you an idea of some of the humor in this movie - not that it's like that all of the time, far from it.

I'm not a die hard fan of Polanski's movies, I do like Rosemary's Baby, Repulsion, The Tenant, Frantic and The Ninth Gate - but this is among my absolute favorite movies of all categories. There's something in this one that just clicks with me... maybe it's because it's a parody of the vampire movies of the time that I love so much, especially the Hammer vampire movies, and it works so well as a spoof movie. And holy crap, it's a beautiful movie if I ever saw one... the cinematography is mind blowing, just look at the outdoor scenes in the alps, the snow, the fairytale quality of the landscapes and the colors. It feels like an Hammer movie on steroids. And I just have to mention the score made by Krzysztof Komeda which is beautiful in a very haunting way.

Anyway, over to the movie...


We start with two vampire hunters, Professor Abronsius (Jack MacGowran) and his assistant Alfred (Roman Polanski), arriving in a small village somewhere in the Transylvanian mountains. They take residence in the village inn and it doesn't take them long to realize that there are vampires in the area (there's garlic hanging all over the inn). At the inn they meet the innkeeper's beautiful daughter, Sarah (Sharon Tate), who just loves to take baths (and I love that she loves taking them!) no matter whose bathtub she has to use. Alfred falls head over heel in love with her (who wouldn't? I just need to say a big FUCK YOU to the Manson Family for killing her... assholes!) and when she begs him to use his bathtub for a quick soak he of course lets her...


While spying through the keyhole to the bathroom he witness the local head vampire, Count von Krolock (Ferdy Mayne), come crashing through a ceiling window, attacking Sarah (well, he just has to nibble on her neck a little... and again, who wouldn't????) and then take off with her. Her father, Shagal (Alfie Bass), takes off after the Count trying to rescue his daughter, but ends up coming back frozen stiff and drained of all of his blood. And here is the most silly and mischievous vampire of the movie born... The Professor and Alfred decides that it's time to own up to the title Vampire Killers and takes off to find the Count's castle and put a stake through his heart.


They arrive at the castle and manage to get inside where they are immediately discovered by the Count's mute hunchback servant, Koukol (Terry Downes), and brought in front of the Count himself. Thanks to some lying, some bat talk and shameless self promotion from the Professor the two of them are invited to stay in the castle (the Count has an interest in bats himself, it seems...). After getting some rest the two vampire killers set out to find the Count's coffin (as he is "of no use during the day" they only have to stay clear of the hunchback servant) and after some acrobatics high up on the ledges of the castle walls they find the crypt where the Count is resting (with his quite feminine son by his side). The Professor get stuck in the tiny window that leads the to crypt and it's up to Alfred to take care of business... something he isn't able to do.

They need to come up with a new plan (and to get the Professor loose from that tiny damn window!), but on his way to free the Professor Alfred finds the lovely Sarah alive and well, taking a bath as usual. The plan is now to rescue Sarah and get the hell out of there! Which is not that easy as the vampires are planning a ball that same evening where Sarah will be presented as a new member of the slowly withering vampire clan. After a short encounter with the Count's son, Herbert (Ian Quarrier), who shows more than just a friendly interest in Alfred, the professor and Alfred are caught by the Count and locked out on a balcony where they will await their destiny of being turned into vampires themselves. The two bumbling vampire killers manage to escape and disguise themselves as vampires and infiltrate the ball, where they end up running off with Sarah in a horse drawn carriage. Sarah seems unusally cold, but who wouldn't in the middle of a cold winter?


If you're even the slightest interested in the Hammer vampire flicks of the late 60's and early 70's this is definitely a movie for you. Sure, this is more comedy than horror, but some of those Hammer films weren't that scary either ;-). I probably said it all in the beginning of this "review", but I'll say it again - this is one of those movies that just never fail to entertain. It's pretty damn funny, the vampires are just like vampires should be (not like the ones in the Twilight crap movies... and I'm bringing that shit up again here just because I've never seen any gayer vampire than the one in Twilight and here in this flick we have a gay vampire...) and we have a red headed Sharon Tate... hell, just that last thing would be enough for me to love a movie... again, fucking Manson Family!!!!!!!