Neon Maniacs (1986)

a.k.a. Evil Dead Warriors
Directed by: Joseph Mangine

Sometimes you stumble upon a movie that really needs you to shut off your brain to be able to enjoy it... something I've never had any problems with (shutting down my brain, that is). There are movies that, if you start to really think about it, makes no sense at all and still wants you to accept everything that happens. This is REALLY one of those movies as there are some serious plotholes and parts of the story that get no explanation at all (more about that a little later in this review). But, I'm easily entertained and have no problem with movies like that. Hell, I prefer movies that you don't have to use your brain too damn much over those who you just end up at the end saying out loud "now, who the fuck is that guy and why did he kill all those people???" just because I didn't pay enough attention for a millisecond 7 minutes into the movie when the murderer flashed by as the main character's half brother's old friend from school or something...

Ok, back to "Neon Maniacs"... This movie is pure trash, a really, really trashy 80's movie. And I don't use the word trashy to mean sleazy or anything here (it's pretty much a PG-13 kinda movie), no it's trashy as in stupid as fuck. And I can't help myself from loving every minute of this pile of crap.

We start this whole crap fest with a fisherman trying to catch some fish underneath the Golden Gate Bridge, when the fish won't nibble on his worms anymore he decides to go home. But, on his way he passes a door underneath the bridge where he finds a cow skull that contains a deck of cards... as he rifles through the cards, that has images of weird looking mutants on them, he gets an axe in his head and here starts the opening credits... wow, a weird way to start the movie, and it gets worse... the music during the opening credits is pure 80's porn movie music and nothing else. You almost expect to see names like "Seka", "Vanessa del Rio" or "John Holmes" in the cast, but no such luck...

What we do get is a bunch of "teenagers" (and as usual I use that term lightly as the actors and actresses are probably almost ten years too old to be called a teenager in real life when this film was shot) riding in a van and ending up at a park. These teens do what every red blooded teenager does: drinking beer, make out in a very PG-13 kinda way and throw some firecrackers (has setting off firecrackers ever been cool? the guy who does it in this movie sure seems to believe it is...). This kind of fun can't go on forever though and some weird looking mutants crash the party and chop everyone up, except for Natalie (Leilani Sarelle - Sharon Stone's lover in Basic Instinct), who manages to lock herself inside the van and survive the attack. No one believes her story about those killing mutants except for a younger girl at school, Paula (Donna Locke), who is a filmmaking, monster loving tomboy.


As Natalie is forced to take a break from school due to her upsetting some people as they refuse to believe her story she starts to hook up with fellow school mate (and very lame musician) Steven (Alan Hayes). On their way home from a date they notice they are followed by a weird looking ape man and a silly looking indian... yikes, the maniacs are back! For some reason the Neon Maniacs are after Natalie (maybe because she got away from them in that first "massacre", I don't know... it doesn't really make sense) and they end up on first the subway and then a bus to get away from them. Meanwhile, Paula has found the Neon Maniacs crib and also due to a clumsy "maniac" a way to harm them... yep, the "maniacs" can be killed by water! (M. Night Shyamalan probably watched this movie before making his "Signs"...).

The three hatches a plan to get rid of these weird looking mutants, and it's a good plan... wait for it, waiiiiit for it... they're gonna get squirt guns to all the school mates who will attend the battle of the bands later that evening and have them kill the "Neon Maniacs" that way! Yep, seems like a solid plan, huh? And wouldn't you know it? The "Neon Maniacs" got their invitations to this shindig as they do turn up, weirdly enough not killing everyone there instantly, no... they're still after pretty Natalie for some reason. The most horrific stuff happens at this battle of the bands... the bands play their songs. One band is an extremely 80's rock/pop band (with our hero Steven being the vocalist) and the other is a really bad hair metal band with a vocalist who seem to be more interested in cracking his whip than to sing well... Anyway, the shindig is turned into a massacre, both school kids and "Neon Maniacs" are dropping like flies (and in the middle of all this we get a very oddly placed love scene between Steven and Natalie).

It's not over yet though as the cops show up and finally believe the kids that there might be something hiding under the Golden Gate Bridge. Something that likes to kill at night, so armed with squirt guns (yep, police with squirt guns) they raid the maniacs' crib, but find it empty... or is it???

Like I said earlier, no matter how stupid this flick is I really enjoy it. The weird thing is that I can't really say why as it is at times beyond stupid and has these plot holes that could be used to hide small countries in 'em. I mean, who the hell are the "Neon Maniacs"? Where do they come from? Why are they killing all these people? What's up with that deck of cards featuring the maniacs in the beginning of the film? Why was it made and who the hell printed it? Was all of these killings just revenge for no one wanting to buy their stupid cards? Couldn't they have waited and tagged along on the Pokemon craze??? How the hell did they always end up finding Natalie? No matter where she was they could find her. And why the hell were they dressed up like some kind of undead mutant Village People tribute band???? I didn't expect to get answers to all of these questions, but a couple would have been nice...

Anyway, if you (like me) love really retarded and stupid 80's horror movies, that at times makes no sense at all, you might not wanna miss this one. If you have an IQ over 43 you might wanna skip it though... It's a fun 90 minutes if you don't think too much, and not thinking too much is a favorite activity of mine so I'll recommend the shit out of this one!